Dirty Laundry Soiled By Brother-in-Law

I was debating on whether to add this as a forum topic or a blog entry. And while I am desperately going to need advice, support from many of you, I figured it best fit here at it will be ramblings and rantings of a torn heart.

Those of you who know me, even a little, know that children are something that are near and dear to my heart........bare with me in this story as the background goes back two years, and is extremely relevant.

Spring 2005 Bill and I received a call from his brother's girlfriend, whom, we had never met before, and whom his brother had only been dating a month. They (my brother-in-law, his girlfriend and her three kids)had decided that they were moving home, to Pennsylvania, from Washington State. My mother-in-law was extremely ecstatic at this news. We had been planning our civil ceremony for July to coincide with their return so they could be present. We received a call weeks after the initial call explaining that in order for them to be able to move as planned they would need a little financial assistance. We said "what are we talking"? they told us, it was a done deal! Less than a week later, we got another call....they no longer needed our financial assistance, "it was being covered". We asked if they were sure, they were. So, we reallocated that money back into the ceremony fund and back into the family vacation fund (our family vacation was already booked for that November for Disney).

We didn't hear back from them until early July when we were told they would not be able to make it home in July, it wouldn't be until August until they would be able to make it home. It was extremely important for us to have all of our family, including his brother at our civil ceremony, since none of our family, except our children were at our union ceremony. So, we postponed our civil ceremony until August 13, for a date when they said they would be sure they would be here, and they were.

Once they got here, we came to find out that it was my in-laws that took care of the financial strain of getting them moved. The details are only relevant to the family, not here.

It was also arranged that my brother-in-law and his family would be staying with my in-laws. However, that is not how things turned out. They ended up staying with us for the weekend, and then the week, and then another weekend, and soon, a weekend actually turned into a month and a half. Newly weds, with their own family of five, in a three bedroom house, now unexpectedly with another family of five staying with them..........which, wasn't really the problem. The problem was, they had not planned very well for their move!!!!! They had not saved any money....they came BROKE! They came with no job prospects, and they came with stories and lies! So, not only was this family of five staying with us, but we were now supporting 10 people on our salaries, UNEXPECTEDLY!!!!! And, on top of it, when we would try and talk to them about jobs, housing, schooling, the kids, etc., it was none of our concern!!!!! Still, as inconvenient as it was for us, we bit the bullet, complained a little and figured it was temporary. Until it began to jeopardize our family structure. As soon as that happened, we talked to the "adults" and explained that they would need to go to the parents house, where, they were expected to stay, because we could just not do it anymore. (By the way, we depleted our vacation fund to help pay for utility bills, gas money for them, food money, etc. for them.) We were told, under no uncertain terms, that we were scum of the earth for throwing family out, not being helpful, and everything and anything else you can think of.

We used OUR connections to get him his job, but we are scum of the earth.

In normal conversations with Bill's parents, in the next week, we come to find out that they did not go to his parents' house. So, now the question was, where were they.....school has now started....maybe they found a place, etc. Two weeks into the school year we get a call. It's the girlfriend, she wants to know if she can use our address as being her address, when we ask why, we come to find out, they had been living in the car, because THEY REFUSED TO GO STAY WITH BILL'S PARENTS (out of pride)(they had been lying to everyone the whole time they were here), and the youngest child had something at school and C&YS was called and they needed a physical address. We told her we would not lie and allow her to use our address. Of course this now makes us worse than scum of the earth!!!!! I explained to her that if she uses our address, that C&YS now will come out and inspect our home, which, in and of itself would not be a problem. But, they would be inspecting our three bedroom home, which, would not be sufficient for a 10 person family, which, would ultimately be reported living there! I wasn't gonna do it and put my family in jeopardy!!!!! They promised C&YS they would take the children to the parents home and would establish their own residents within 30 days. (They never went to the parents home.) We once again used OUR connections with local churches in order to hook them up with a local family that could take them in until the church could help them establish residency. We are still major scum of the earth!!!!

They live their lives for months, without any contact to speak of with the family. (Only when they need something or it benefits them.)

Bill and I buy a house the following January. That Spring we get the pool ready and start inviting them out so the kids can swim, they come out, it benefits them. That's the only contact with have with them.

Their pap gets ill, brother calls "man crying" to Bill that he can't get up to see "pap" because he doesn't have a vehicle because he can't drive girlfriends car, becuase it's "her car", she's like that. We have a "junker" car. He needs one. We tell him he can HAVE it, all he has to do is pay to have it transfered (max. $250) and fix it (his brother is good like that and said the work would be minimal). Only provision is it stays on our property so long as it remains in our name......two years later, it still sits on our property, in our name. (Financial relevance listed above, again to the family, not here.) He wanted us to tow it onto a public street, unregistered, but titled in our name so he could fix it. Said he called the township and said it was legal....apparently someone must've stamped "STUPID" on my head that day! We are scum of the earth because we won't let him have the car! Someone else GIVES him a truck, it's unregistered, it sits on the local street....it's tagged for towing by local authorities....HA!

My mother-in-law is diagnosed with lymphoma this March. Still not much contact with brother-in-law. We almost lost my mother-in-law in May due to complications. Again, not much contact, and he doesn't visit with her much either. (Again, pride, or shame, we are not sure at this point anymore.) We got a call, again, he needed something. He was on the road and would not be able to visit, but wanted mom to know he was thinking about her, could we pick something up for her from him, and, oh by the way, he didn't have any money. We told him no problem. We weren't looking at it as if we were doing it for him, we were doing it for her. We even asked if there was something special they had between each other. No. So we went and picked a few things up, called him to let him know what they were so that when she called him, he would know what she was talking about, etc. Bill and I go up to visit, taking the prayer blanket crocheted at church and the gifts from his brother. We visit......we are ready to leave and in walks his brother. We were full of disbelief. We left. He never thanked us or anything. His mother knew what was going on.

Now, there is ALOT of in between that is being left out. And for the last two years I have found the family sitting around talking about their concerns for the children. Talking about the lifestyle and poor choices and bad judgement being made. But, no one has confronted him about any of this.

Now, last week, the week before, I forget now. We get the phone call again, he needs our help. This time the story is.....the house that they are renting was sold out from underneath them (not true, they had 60 days notice, they did NOTHING), they tried to buy a house, and the seller backed out (they have such piss poor credit they can't even have a bank account), he was fired from his job so that his boss wouldn't have to pay him bonuses (he told us he was an owner/operator) and the only option he had was to drive to SC to buy the truck (which a year previously he told us he had already purchased). What he needs from us is storage space in the barn. Which, we have no problem doing. We have already decided years ago we would not provide financial support for them again. And then we hadn't heard from him for a week.

Bill left a message last Friday to see what was going on, to let him know what our schedules were, find out what kind of courtesy was going to be paid to us, etc.

Bill gets the call on Tuesday afternoon.....they needed to be out THAT NIGHT! So, me out of town, Jordan having soccer practice, Bill heads over there. They had not even packed yet!!!!!! They had been living without electricity for three weeks, there was food still in the refrigerator that they had not removed yet.....don't forget there are three kids!!!!! And she; get her nails done, is in a dart league and a softball league!!!!! Thank God I was not there!!!! They were packing and moving by kerosene lamps!!!!!!! Bill had to run to our house to get boxes and rubbermaid bins. THEY HAD 60 DAYS NOTICE!!!!!

Now, the family has, on several occassions has offered to help WITH THE CHILDREN. We have provided food, clothing, coats, necessities, etc. So that the children would be cared for to an extent. Beyond that, we have been told that our help was not needed, wanted or necessary. They feel that as parents, they are doing a fine job, and that everything that is happening, and that has happened, is to be blamed on someone and everyone else, BUT THEM! We have talked about approaching them about placing the kids at MHS. But I fear that the childrens needs are more immediate than that. And of course suggesting that the kids stay with us until they get their derrieres together is NOT an option for them, as, they are doing a "fine parenting job", and I think Washington, DC would freeze over before they would "admit defeat" and allow the kids to live with us till such time as they could provide for them properly.

Now, I've had time to think about this and get past the adults in this situation. The adults can live however they choose. But I did tell Bill last night that I will be talking to his parents, because as a family, knowing what we know, we can no longer sit around, as we have done so FAR TOO LONG, concerned about the health and well being of those children!!!!!! It has become painfully clear to me that they DO NOT have the best interest, health and well being of those children in mind! Only problem is, once Bill moved their stuff into the barn on Tuesday, they had nowhere to go, we don't know where they are now. We are assuming, as before, they are living, once again, out of the car, probably at some local truck stop.

I've already told Bill this no longer comes down to questioning their parenting skills, this comes down to the very basic skills.....................the welfare of a child!!!!!!!

And that's where I digress because I have once again reduced to tears....I've been a mess for the last two weeks.......help, support....anything!