joke
why did santa have a garden? he liked to HO HO HO
A cop starts his shift patrolling the local freeway when suddenly he notices a van ahead of him weaving all over the road. He puts on his lights and siren and goes in pursuit, but the van continues to weave in and out. He tries everything to get the driver's attention following behind, but nothing works. At last he is able to pull up beside the vehicle and is astonished to see a woman knitting while she drives! He rolls down the passenger side window and shouts to her, "Pull over!"
At that, the woman looks over and shouts back, "No, cardigan!"
Hindi jokes Shayari makes it so simple, fill your emotions into it and guess what your love accepts you whole heartedly.In todays fast paced and stressful lifes,it is important to seek some sort of entertainment or stressbuster. are an easy way of releving Stress.
peanut butterer.
unc
you rotten peanut butterer. That was after someone cut me off on an icy route 390 coming back from Buffalo. Not really a joke, but made me feel better....
.
98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH POOP' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM PENNSYLVANIA AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans,
fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice,
ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain,
charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse,
fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish,
upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse,
resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm,
allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt,
commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib,
salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle,
hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly,
don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,
gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, 
, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:
Show up naked.
I had to get out of that double post I made somehow!
...not in the last 8 seconds anyway! 
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1 stick butter
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
Bingle Jells!
There was this American League pitcher named Bill Famey and he was pitching in the seventh game of the World Series. The game was in the bottom of the ninth and the score was tied 7-7 [or 7-UP if you're thirsty - Bill surely was!] Anyway Bill had just walked the bases loaded to begin the inning, and the next batter was coming to the plate.
The National League manager had noticed that in between pitches Bill would walk around the mound, drop his glove on the rosin bag and then pick up both the rosin bag and his glove. Each time he did this his head tilted back and it appeared as if he looked up towards heaven, then Bill would bend over and place the rosin bag back on the ground very gently, stand up and seem to swallow hard as if to get his confidence. He had mentioned something to the umpire, but the umpire said there wasn't anything in the rules that prevented Bill from doing that, as every pitcher can use the rosin bag as often as he wants in between pitches.
Well as the batter came to the plate, Bill sure as rain in Seattle in the October, took a stroll around the mound, dropped his glove on the rosin bag and went through his routine. Baseball players are a superstitious lot to say the least. Well as Bill returned to the mound he looked at his catcher and shook his head a couple of times, then nodded in agreement. He was pitching from the stretch position and reared back and let the ball fly. The ball landed smack dab in the middle of the catcher's glove. S-T-E-E-E-R-I-K-E yelled the umpire and motioned with his right hand, holding out his index finger.
Bill smiled and winked over at his pitching coach and then at his catcher. He held up his left hand and motioned for the catcher to throw the ball back. Right on cue, Bill took his little stroll around the mound and re-committed himself to the ritual of dropped glove, cautiously picked it up along with the rosin bag, leaned his head back and looked toward heaven, then ever so gingerly replaced the rosin bag back on the dirt behind and to the right of the pitchers plate - as one would face homeplate. He smiled at the shortstop and thirdbaseman, then swallowed hard and returned to his mound and shook off the next signal from his catcher. Both the catcher and pitching coach were looking at each other and wondering why Bill wasn't cooperating. Well Bill let go of the next pitch and it sailed upwards, but the catcher quickly stood up and made a great save. B-A-L-L-L-L yelled the umpire - holding out his left index finger. Then held both index fingers up in the air to give a 1-1- count.
The catcher threw the ball back to Bill and he once again performed his ritual. Walked around the mound, dropped glove, picked it up along with the rosin bag, tilted his head backwards again looking towards heaven, gently set the rosin bag back on the ground, swallowed hard and returned to the mound, then shook off the first two signs, accepted the third sign. The ball was thrown, and again it was high and again the umpire yelled B-A-L-L-L-L - this time adding 2 afterwards. The count was now 2-1.
The catcher threw the ball back to Bill and he once again performed his ritual. This time before Bill could pitch the ball, the pitching coach called for time-out, the umpire granted the time-out, and the coach walked out to the mound, and called the catcher out there with him. The three of them talked for a few seconds and everyone seemed to be onboard with the plan. When the coach and catcher walked back to their designated positions, Bill took advanatage of the opportunity to return to the rosin bag and performed his little ritual again, swallowed hard and returned to the mound. This time though instead of shaking off the first two pitches, he actually nodded in agreement with the first sign. He fired the ball low and inside but right above the knees on the corner of the plate, the batter swung wildly and the catcher squeezed the ball. The umpire of course screamed -- S-T-E-E-E-R-I-K-E 2 - holding out both his index and middle fingers! Now the count was 2-2.
Before the catcher threw the ball back, he looked at Bill and shrugged his shoulders in confusion, as if to motion that he wondered why Bill hadn't thrown that pitch before. Anyway he then threw the ball back to Bill. This time Bill returned to his former ritual and sent a ball high over the plate. The catcher once again made a great stop, but now the count was 3-2 as the umpire yelled loudly - B-A-L-L-L-L 3 and held up three fingers on his left hand and two on his right.
The pitching coach knew he couldn't go back out to the mound but looked at Bill very sternly and yelled at him to focus. The catcher seemed extremely distraught since Bill had returned to his old nature. As he glanced at Bill, Bill looked back at him and winked then smiled. Bill looked over at the pitching coach and gave him a wink then smiled.
Because of Bill's superstitious nature [or was he praying in between pitches], he once again performed his ritual. He walked around the mound, dropped glove, picked it up along with the rosin bag, tilted his head backwards looking towards heaven, then gently set the rosin bag back on the ground, swallowed hard, - this time he gave both the shortstop and thirdbaseman a smile and a wink, reassuring them he had the game under control. Then he returned to the mound and again he shook off the first two signs, accepted the third sign. The ball was thrown, but instead of the balling sailing high, it bounced off the plate and the ball went over the catcher's head. The umpire motioned for the batter to head to first, and then watched as the other baserunners moved around the basepath. When the runner on third crossed homeplate, the umpire called the game complete and the National League players started jumping up and down. The National League manager quickly motioned for the umpire to go to the mound with him, then bent over and reached under the rosin bag. He pulled out an empty bottle and said "This is the beer that made Bill Famey walk us!"
Hey don't blame me - it's Charlie Asphalk's joke!!
Yeah okay it wasn't steroids or HGH but ...
There was this American League pitcher named Bill Famey .. oh so you heard it before!
Hear about the Milt that married the Amish girl?
Now he's driving her buggy!
Sorry about the double post, but how do you eliminate a double post?
And that's not a setup line...
Hear about the Milt that married the Amish girl?
Now he's driving her buggy!
For some reason, Santaflush struck me as absolutely hilarious - I'm still chuckling over it! 
These jokes remind me of some of the old elephant jokes, i.e., How can you tell there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath!
Santa out of the chimney when he is stuck?
Santaflush (you guys may be to young to get this one)
unc
when you have a Romo and a Simpson in the same stadium? 2 LOSERS
unc
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What did one golf ball say to the other golf ball...?
Nothin', they can't talk.
and clean!
Sorry I have no jokes today...but I will post one the next time my cajun friend sends me one in an e-mail. I'm telling you sometimes I just bust out laughing and those around me must think I am nuts!!! haha