Good Joke
This was sent to me by one of my Hawaiian friends. In Hawai'i, everyone is fair game, no matter WHAT their ethnicity. This is for the Portagees (Portugese).
Check your pockets for this unique Hawaii quarter. Hang on to any of
the new State of Hawaii Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling some of the
Hawaii quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
each state.
"We are recalling some of the new Hawaii Quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This
action is being taken after numerous reports that some of the new Hawaii Quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The problem lies in the unique design of this Hawaii Quarter, which was designed and created by Marvin Freitas, a Hawaii native of Portuguese descent and a University of Hawaii graduate.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keep jamming all coin-operated devices." said Shackleford.
punk-beyotch Darius got ripped off, yo. big time.
even if it was uncut, chump paid a 178% mark-up.
This cracked me up! (oh and please don't submit the answers :burp: )
City of Philadelphia High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME_________________________________________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib_________________
1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He
usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13
rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload? ________
2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball
to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram,
what is the street value of the rest of his hold? _________
3. DeShawn pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how
many tricks per day must each ho turn to support DeShawn's
$800 per day crack habit? ________
4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought
for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he
need to make to obtain the 20% profit? _______
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a
Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes
and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have
$900? _______
6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month,
how much money will be left when he gets out? __________
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is 3 square feet. How many letters can be
sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint
left over? ________
8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked
up? ________
9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a boa
constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake on one week's income? _________
10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at
15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to
load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets
whacked? _________
Emergency!
Ted's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist.
As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him, lights flashing.
Ted hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
variation on my all-time favorite:
Regarding luxury rehab like the one BritBrit went to:
$48,000 for a 30 day "treatment".
Lemme clue ya on something folks. If your're drinking and doing drugs, and you can still come up with $48,000...
you don't have a problem yet!
:burp:
How about if I stick to posting the jokes, ok? 
What did one golf ball say to the other golf ball?
nothin', ya frickin morons, golf balls can't talk.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for > 51 years.
*******************************************!
Twins
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!"
The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," asks the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey replies, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to the Pope, asking "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, " No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back to the Holy Father a final time and demands, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting
"Dopey screwed a penguin!" .
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
I was thinking the same thing Clint! Who knew! And you know that would cure world hunger. :burp:
if we were to get Osama Bin Laden over here to educate our children in second grade on how to drive a jeep over to South Africa and give money to our nation's 5% of the other 20% of Europe's working class while they were eating cookie dough and that would help probably I think.
Here are our not so bright and beautiful Miss Teen Candidates!
http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1155290662
One of the best cartoons I remember is a cat sitting in front of a computer terminal. The caption reads: "Cool, I just sold the dog on ebay!" 
thought this was cute
Could you imagine what the mother would tell that "flight attendant"?
(My sister worked as a flight attendant and she said they hate the word sterwardess. 
)
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
I would never kill you off Keoni! That would be just wrong!
Clint - yes, you can be the escaped convict killer, but you can't kill Keoni. I'll have to create a character for you to off instead.
Vicki - those pics and that joke were hilarious!!!! Thanks!
Tree88
Andre just sent me this email joke, love it
________________________________________________________
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet
doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my
folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw
each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex
napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"
______________________________________________________
Sometimes it just pays to be honest with your children!
Thought of you right away
I just knew they had pics on how to build a burger!!!!! just validates my whole arguement!
I won't hold it against you tho.
Funny shit I worked there for a while I have to tell you the job is a no brainer... but you do have to be pretty quick to last on the burger line.... by the way yes there are actual pictures, but I dont know that they help if you just have no brains..... Of course I know this is going to leave me open to all kinds of jokes but I just thought it was to funny not to share...Thanks Vicki
Vikki. And every bit of it is true, but that's just scratching (pun intended) the surface! >^..^<
Saw this and thought of ya!
Especially since it was sent to me by a good friend of mine who is going through a difficult time in their marriage...............they are both lawyers!!!!!!
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like Washington, DC. I guess I'd better see a doctor.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.Aisle 7
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
changing my name, undergoing plastic surgery, and moving to a remote island. He'll never find me there. Bwaaahaaahaaahaaa! 
Can I be the escaped convict serial killer that bumps him off in the last chapter?
don't kill me off in Chapter 3, OK? That would be a real bummer!
Just to keep people hanging on to the suspense!!!!
Tree88
I've always wanted to star as the main character in a novel! Tell me, does it have a happy ending? Or don't you want to give away that info so you can sell as many as possible?
You may be crazy as all get out, but you're still #1 in my book! :-]
Tree88
you are a blonde, but not a dumb one. Maybe changing the hair color is like insurance of turning into that?
Those are really funny!!!! Even the blonde jokes. haha
And Gina I want you to know that I'm not blonde at the moment (light brown), but will be doing it blonde this weekend. Although after reading these jokes I'm seriously considering being a redhead! haha
Tree88
Thought this was cute. Rob, you might appreciate this.
The Police Dog
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help.
"No," he replied.
There was no trouble, he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger side front window of our car.
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
Gina, that was a groaner, but quite good none the less
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases
>> it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the
>> car and
>> opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
>> stands them
>> at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike
>> cardboard
>> men are in trench coats
>> exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
>>
>> Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't
>> very long before a police car arrives.
>>
>> The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
>> vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
>>
>> "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
>>
>> "Well, what the Washington, DC are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
>> by the road?!" asks the Officer.
>>
>> "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks,
"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says,
"Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed................
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box
That is a good one Amy.
The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
are in a car accident and are killed. They are now standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter arrives. He asked the nuns if they have ever sinned and the first Nun says "she touched a mans penis one time with her finger". St. Pete says no problem sister just wash your finger in the holey water and go through the gates. Then all of a sudden the third Nun in line knocks the second Nun out of the way and St. Pete asks what is going on. The Nun replies "I have to gargle before she washes her BUTT"
I hope not too racy.
unc
Friends...
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
Thanks Ang, for always finding the right words!!!! Much 
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
(just read this in an email)
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies"?
"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash"?
Another priceless story popped into my mind. hmmmmmm....how do I start this one??? Ok, Alex was about 3 years old. Anyone that has had a 3yo son knows that they tend to touch themselves ALOT!!!! Well, let's just say that my two sons did enough for them and then if anyone didn't touch themselves enough then don't worry cause my sons probably touched themselves enough to make up the national average. Most times you ask if they have to pee. At the age of three they aren't always making it to the bathroom in time if playing or watching a "must see" show like Barney or Telly Tubbies UGH.
One particular night I'm just at the bottom of the steps and notice that my son Alex was standing in front of the TV and holding himself. Naturally, I tell him to go to the bathroom. Apparently, the show was better and he didn't hear me so I tell him again. He then tells me that he doesn't have to go. So I tell him to get his hands off of himself then. (and how many times a day does this scenario play out? I lost count).
Well, not thinking about it anymore, 2 minutes later he tells me and I quote:
"Mom, you know what I was holding myself?"
Why?
"Cause it's so looooonnnggg"
Well, I almost fell out of the chair! I had to turn around and stiffle the whooping laughter that was coming from somewhere in my intestines. What do you say to that? I said "O.K." ROFLMAO!
The picture in my head you ask? Oh God, 3 years old and I can already see him and the preschoolers lined up in the bathroom during break and measuring up like the big boys. I'm thinking, I know times have changed but COME ON!!!!!!
So my advice on something like that? Walk away and stiffle the laughter in a towel in the next room! You don't want to egg them on
This really happened to me:
One night last year I didn't feel like cooking so I was going to take the kids for fast food. The boys got called to a bday party and were going to eat there so I took my daughter to Wendy's. We went thru the drive thru and bought two burger meals. I got as far as the parking lot across the street and noticed that the burgers didn't have bacon as we ordered so I turned around and took them back. They apologized and gave us 2 new burgers. Before leaving the window I checked the first burger and it was good so we went home. I get home and give my daughter her burger. I then open my burger to find that there was NO BURGER! It has lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, bacon and even cheese! No Burger! Now how the Washington, DC do you make a burger and forget the burger???? So now I'm pissed. Back to the car and back to Wendy's. This time my fat butt is going in the store to Gibbles112. I walk in and slam my bag on the counter and tell them this is the 3rd time I'm coming to get the food I ordered. The manager must have seen me from the door and ran over to take care of my complaint. He apologized profusely and ordered me to more burgers. This time he stood there and watched the person make my burgers and asked me if I had fries with my order. I told him that they were at home so he gave me two orders of fresh fries. I get home and my daughter says "Mom, the fries don't have salt, how did they forget the salt?" I turned to her and said "Salt????How the Washington, DC do they forget the burger on my burger!!!!!" I think salt was the least of the problem! Don't they even have pictures on how to build a burger behind the counter? You don't even have to know how to read to make a burger these days! I swear this stupid crap only happens to me. I can however laugh at myself and I still wonder if that is healthy or not
Same thing happened to me but at Burger King. I orded 2 Whoppers to go. I get home and there are no bun tops. When I took them back the guy was wondering why they had 2 extra tops there. (I think the come in pairs?) And don't go to McDonalds after midnight while on way to work. What I thought was a simple order double cheeseburger no ketchup. I probably spent 10 minutes at the drive thru and by not checking I had to go back around to complain about the 2 orders of chicken nuggets I received. I never did get it corrected because I had to go to work and the line was even longer now.